Tim Reviews a Comic Book: James Bond 007 Vargr

007: Vargr an Exercise in Futility.  By Tim Mattes

 

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Warren Ellis has long been a favorite writer of mine.  From the first time I read through Transmetropolitan to the confusing reads of Bad Worlds and the like I have been enthralled with his writing style and the way that he can take real world scenarios and inject insane science fact into it.  When you read Warren Ellis’ works you find yourself looking up the principles that he presents to see if they are true or could even be possible only to discover that they are in fact completely plausible or real things.

I have followed Warren Ellis to the darkest depths of Publisher whoring (Red2) and have witnessed surprise nuggets of Genius in his works (Iron Man:Extremis).  I have read his novels and I follow him on the social media outlets that he subscribes to.  I love everything the man writes.  I feel like he could wipe his ass on a broadsheet and send it to Marvel and I will buy the special edition hardcover release of it.  So imagine my delight when I found out that Warren Ellis was doing a 007 run.  I felt like it was the perfect fit with the current film run being a grittier more violent Bond and Warren Ellis injecting his own bizarre form of writing into the series would make for the greatest Bond story ever told.

How could I have been so fucking wrong?

The first issue has a multitude of flaws that I could rant on about until my fingers fall off in a neck-bearded super rage.  That isn’t going to happen though.  I have taken my Xanax and ingested the necessary amounts of tobacco to make it through slamming my favorite comic book writers work in the hopes that it isn’t his fault.  I know that wishful thinking in comics is futile but I can dream right? (Before Watchmen I’m looking at your scarred version of what could have been.)

007:Vargr Issue One is one of the most pointless issues of a series that I have ever read.  Completely anticlimactic and devoid of any kind of energy or tempo.  Not only do you have to get to the eighth page to read a single word, The only interesting part of the issue are the last two pages.  James Bond starts the issue off as a silent badass and ends it looking like one of Archer’s still born abortions.  At no point once Bond starts talking do I feel like he is a super spy.  He seems like someone that got confused and walked into the wrong building and just went with it.  The set up of Bond not having his lady gun on british soil is so beyond transparent it actually made me cringe.  I haven’t cringed reading comics since I ventured into Steve Niles’ earlier works.  The final two pages finally offer the Warren Ellis science bullshit that I look for in his work and it barely scratches the itch.  I know that we will never get a Fell Volume two or a Before Transmet, but unless this series takes a violent spin down the Ellis rabbit hole it will go down as the worst run I have read from Ellis (Congrats Thor you are off the hook).  This doesn’t mean that I won’t be buying it and reading it, but considering that it is one of only ten issues I have bought this year it will make me question buying Warren Ellis’ single issues in the future.  This was a huge factor in me going to trades only for the last six years.  The bad single issue makes me sad, I don’t want to spend upwards of twenty dollars on monthly issues and then buy the trade only to have buyers remorse from the overall story.

Dynamite tricked me into another series from them and like always I was crushed.  The worst part about this first issue has nothing to do with the story.  No, It has to do with Dynamite’s marketing of the book.  Ten dollars for an artless variant?  24 fucking covers?  Why the Fuck do I need a short box to store an issue one?  I am relieved that I hated this issue so I don’t have to hunt down all of the variant covers.

All begrudgery aside, Jason Masters has done a skillful job polishing up a turd.  His artwork invokes a feeling of nostalgia and have at least salvaged enough respect in me to buy issue two.

Fuck this shit.

 

Tim Mattes knows nothing about comics and probably shouldn’t be writing reviews for them, but the internet gives him an outlet and he knows that at least three people will read this.  And in the end, three is all you need.  

Episode Ten: Outdoor Adventures

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Editor’s Note: We all know who was driving the car.

Today’s Episode finds Garrett playing host in his backyard, joined by Zack, Kris, Nikki, and Dan. The gang discusses a variety of topics from minigames to Game of Thrones theories, and I can’t rightly recall what else right now! Have fun listening!

Episode Nine: Drinks You Probably Don’t Con About, Y’know?

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Editor’s Note: I don’t care that this photo is watermarked because it is a picture of Our Lord and His Son!  HArdcorxe!@!@@WQ!1w

An impromptu episode ensues when Herb’s sister Teresa pulls out the vodka and whiskey. Listen in as Garrett, Herb, and Teresa share their favorite and least favorite convention experiences, all augmented by Kasser’s 51. Teresa talks Isshinryu Karate, Herb waxes on about Lupin the Third, and Garrett giggles about half the things out of Teresa’s mouth. Hope you enjoy this drunken meander down memory lane. Pre-apologies for sudden volume changes, keeping the drunks on mic is a daunting task.

 

 

Episode Eight: Fire Emblem Me Up, Baby

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Join Herb and Tyrone as they talk about Herb’s inability to grasp the tactical RPG gaming scene. Herb’s brain just melts when Fire Emble,m is thrown in the mix but this episode is a critical hit as far as our serious topics go. The topics range from gaming to the ideas of war and its effects on people. Bad JRPGs to stay away from and some pw, Gundam comes back in the mix. Whether Marth is your man, Ike is alright or Roy is your boy, you’re sure to enjoy this episode!

Episode 6: Degrees of Conversation

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Join Herb and Garrett for a quickie this week. Our hosts sit down to have a discussion about the state of the show, and what the future may entail. We ask for listener feedback and suggestions for future episodes, and there is also a brief lesson on the theoretical tech inside of X-wings. Tim does an interview at Too Many Games! Come join us for our shortest episode yet! 

 

For more on Geek Monster Games and Welcome to Undercog check out http://undercog.com/

Episode Five: Ring Ba Bing Bing Bong

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Round 2. FIGHT!! The crew picks up right where they left off in last week’s episode. Starting with Sailor Moon fandom and all of its intricacies, then the ship sails into treacherous waters with high school friends and stories. Get ready for the chaotic ending of Goo Jun pew pew lazors!!

Episode Four: Goo Jun Pew Pew Lazors

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Join the guys as they have two new guests on the show, Zackary and Nicole. Oh another guest was rum. Herb and Garrett brought their buddy rum on the air too. From the ideas of nature conservation/destruction themes in video games and fantasy, to Korean dramas. (you can thank Nikki for that one), the crew hits very tangent possible.Listen to how Zack got his first taste of rpgs that led him to be a writter. Its a dark path that includes pheonix poacing so strap in for the korean boy band lazors and spiky haired anti-heroes!!

 

Episode Three: Viticulturists Untie!!!

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Enter Herb and his fiancee, April. After spending most of the day at Mount Hope’s Flavor Fest, they open their overdue loot crate. This months theme was unite. Everything from a Marvel ice cube tray to one of the most bad ass Power rangers t-shirts ever filled the magical box. Afterwards, the two recap the events and curious wines they had at fest, like the famous jalepeno wine that could start forest fires! (minor embellishment) Garrett makes the scene in the end equiped with flippy floppies and a minor buzz for a late night walk to sheetz.

Episode Two: Gundam Discussions Go!!!

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Gunpla Battle, Set! Ready! GO!! Join Herb along with guests Tyrone and Joe as they discuss Gundam and everything that else that crops up in their heads. The first couple episodes of Gundam Build Fighter are being viewed while Gundam is dissected. Gundam Pope pops up along with rule 34, albeit completely unrelated. Take a trip to your cildhood with Yoohoo and some highschool drama. There was some Smash Bros played afterwards, but that footage was destroyed by the time space vortex created due to all the tangents.